Nicole Trott<3

I remember seeing your beautiful smile at the gym every day, you were so silly and funny, but most of all you were remarkably kind. The last time I spoke to you was when I saw you at burger king one night, even though we hadn't talked in a while you gave me a big hug and asked me how college was. I will always remember this day because even though I hadn't been in the gym in the gym for a while, you made me feel remembered and more importantly, missed by everyone.

The last time I saw you was at the ymca maybe a week or so ago. I remember thinking how beautiful you've grown up to be and I wondered how you've been since the last time we'd spoken. I was planning on talking to you and asking you how everything was going, but you had your head phones on and were running on the treadmill so I didn't want to bother you during your work out (even though you would never have minded). I figured i'd just catch you next time. Nicole, I really regret not saying anything. Had I known it'd be the last time I'd ever see you, of course I would have made much more of an effort.

You and your family have been on my mind for the last four days and I am in shock by the news of your passing. You had so much to live for, Rutgers next semester, and a whole happy life ahead of you. This isn't fair at all. I hope you continue to smile that gorgeous smile up there Nicole<3. You have permanently touched the hearts of all who knew you, by your grace and elegance. May you rest in peace beautiful.

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It's a shame how tradgedy makes one realize how short life really is. I pray for you Nicole, you have everything to live for. Stay strong and stay brave<3 You'll get through this.

Scum of the earth....

There are certain people in my life that I really need to leave behind, "friends," that is. When you tell your friend (with no quotes) something in confidence, you expect them not to tell anyone, right? ....Of course not; you wouldn't expect them to say anything because why on this earth would a REAL friend betray your trust like that? Oh wait a sec, a real friend wouldn't.


........and to top it all off, you say I'M the drama starter, please. YOU instigated the fight because you have nothing better to do with your time then A. talk shit. B. smoke pot. C. screw everything that walks(cause you don't know how to keep your legs shut) and D. talk more shit because you're life consists of nothing else other than pot and one night stands. The funny thing is, you're such a pathetic loser that these things actually make you happy. I, in the slightest way, feel sorry for you because you have nothing else in your life that is even remotely fulfilling. You fail out of school, you are not motivated by anything, and you are unsuccessful at most of the things that you do.

So i suggest that you stop behaving in said manner (^^^) before you have no friends left, because trust me, no one wants to go down the path you're on. But anyway, so not only are you worthless, you're untrustworthy, so what are you, besides garbage?


Anyway, I don't deserve this kind of treatment from a "friend." Time to rid myself of the garbage and find understanding and caring individuals who appreciate ME and not just themselves.

Random thoughts..

I wish you would make more of an effort in our relationship. I wish you could go back to the spontaneous person you used to be.. staying up all hours of the night talking to me. Leaving at 2 am because you didn't want to leave me. Now its like you won't go anywhere unless you're given enough notice, or 10 pm is your bed time unless you're with your friends. I miss that spontaneous and out-going part of you, I miss the little efforts you used to make that touched my heart and made me feel so incredibly special. I get that its been three years, and that you work and go to school, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying, in fact, you should try even harder when you're busy. You say that you shouldn't have to make an effort if I don't make an effort myself, but what you don't understand is that I try. I invite you over on days you normally wouldn't see me, like after work or school, but 110% of the time I don't expect you to EVER come over on said days because I'm not a part of your schedule for that particular evening. You on the other hand, never invite me over, never invite me to hang out with you and your friends, never ask me to come hang out for an hour or so after work...."I miss you"...yeah well make more of an effort to prove it. When you miss somebody you don't just say it, you go out of your way and fit them into your schedule. I'm sick of hearing that you "miss me" when I've spent most of this summer without you. Another thing I despise when I hang out with you is that it is always what I want to do, you don't make any effort to try and figure out plans, you're just along for the ride.

But anyway, long story short, you make no effort. Period. I miss the you I met 3 years ago. Sigh.

Disappointed

I really thought you were trying to make an effort to change. To help our relationship and to make us happier. I see today, that all you care about is yourself. You could care less about my happiness. You can easily watch me cry and sulk, and sometimes I think you find happiness in seeing how badly you can hurt me. All I want to do is talk to you, and you make that impossible. And again, I really thought you were trying to make us better because you loved me and cared about my happiness...could you imagine the disappointment when I realized today that you couldn't care less? I don't think you care enough about me to possibly be capable of feeling that type of pain.

Volunteering

So I'm trying to find a part time job volunteering in a local animal shelter or hospital. I feel like I have so much free time in the mornings before work that I can donate some of that free time to a greater cause. I think this is a good opportunity for me to meet new people and do something that I believe will be a truly fulfilling experience. Old bridge animal shelter is close to home, so I hope within the next few weeks or so I can fill out a volunteer application and start working.

The Facebook craze

After having a Facebook for a few years now, I honestly feel that I have wasted so much time spent on this ridiculous website. Is it cool to see what old friends are doing? Sure. However, Facebook proves to be quite addictive, and in no time at all one can go from being a curious friend to an out and out stalker. I find myself looking at my friend's pages every day and often wonder why I care so much about these people's lives. Facebook's mission is that it supposedly brings people together, but I think it does the complete opposite. It's crazy how many people connect through writing on each others "walls" rather than giving one another a phone call here and then to stay in touch. To rant about this website some more, people actually determine their romantic relationships by whether their kinship is "Facebook official" or not. Really? Why are people so obsessed with publicizing their lives? And again, why do we care? Facebook used to be a harmless website that gave friends a common new interest. Now, it has become a tool for people to stalk friends and exs.

Anyway, I will be deleting mine. No more Facebook distraction. No more wasting my time on this website. No more caring about random people's lives.

I'll never understand how I got sucked into the craze.

Lying

If there is one thing in a relationship I can't stand, it's lying. Lying is brutal. It hurts, and no matter how you slice it the person being lied to, no matter the reason, always ends up hurt, even if the lie had "good" intentions. The thing about lying too, that people don't usually think about when they are doing such hurtful things, is that the person they lie to ends up resentful of their actions, for causing them pain and anguish, and for making them feel that they could trust such a conniving person.  Lying is deceit in it's evilest form. It has no good intentions, and it takes many prisoners. It falsely empowers people, while changing their persona in the grandeur form.

To the person who lied to me, I hope you see this, and I hope you know that I don't see you nearly as beautifully as I did before.

Frustration

Well, now that vacations over, I'm back to my monotonous life. Work..work..more work.. and nothing else that peaks my interest whatsoever.. excellent.. I absolutely enjoy free time during the summer, but many days I feel bored out of my mind. I like school. Studying psychology makes me happy, I enjoy learning new things and enjoy studying diligently for exams. Plus, I do well in my psych classes so receiving my grades also enlightens my days. Now that I have no school work to do, I have no clue what to do with my free time. Gymnastics used to take up so much of my free time that I had no need to search for other hobbies. Now its like I have to search for things I like to do, and I find that most of the new things I try bore me after awhile. Why don't you hang out with you're friends, one might ponder after reading this, well that's because I really don't have one decent friend that a) hasn't talked behind my back, or b) isn't completely annoying. I guess I'm picky as to what I like to do, and who I like to spend my time with...

I just need to find my bliss even though the process of finding such is quite frustrating. Hopefully by the end of the summer, or sooner, I will find something that I like to do.

Florida 2011

I always felt that vacations help you to realize what your missing out on in life. The scenery, the free time, the happiness. Everyone is always in constant motion, working, "schooling..." "living." If you think about it, the way we live is kind of backwards, we work our asses off to make money that ALLOWS us to afford and enjoy vacation. I HATE that. My dad always said we should live like the animals.. they are at peace with nature, they do not pollute, they do not work, but they do survive..without all the commodity and the struggle for that commodity. It's almost as if we are at war with ourselves..but where would our iPod's and android devices be if people didn't work....there is always a catch-22.

Anyway, I spent this last week in Orlando with Jimmy and my 2 friends, Nick and Danielle. We enjoyed Downtown Disney, Magic Kingdom, Universal, Blizzard Beach, and almost Typhoon Lagoon... long story. The week went by way too quickly though, as i'm sitting in the airport, I still feel like we should be arriving in Orlando, and not departing. Sucks how vacations feel like they last 1 day. My favorite part of the trip was spending some much needed time with my boyfriend. These silly little trips allow us to grow in our relationship. We can understand each other on a whole new level now, living together. It was fun. A great escape from reality. Today we fly into Atlantic City, where we will drive 2 hours to Old Bridge. I can't wait to see Rikki and Jingles. LOL i missed my pets.