Exactly my feelings at the moment

I think when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know. It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But, he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And, crazy thing is, I don’t know if I am ever going to feel that way again, but I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you. Maybe he knew that, when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.

Nicole Trott<3

I remember seeing your beautiful smile at the gym every day, you were so silly and funny, but most of all you were remarkably kind. The last time I spoke to you was when I saw you at burger king one night, even though we hadn't talked in a while you gave me a big hug and asked me how college was. I will always remember this day because even though I hadn't been in the gym in the gym for a while, you made me feel remembered and more importantly, missed by everyone.

The last time I saw you was at the ymca maybe a week or so ago. I remember thinking how beautiful you've grown up to be and I wondered how you've been since the last time we'd spoken. I was planning on talking to you and asking you how everything was going, but you had your head phones on and were running on the treadmill so I didn't want to bother you during your work out (even though you would never have minded). I figured i'd just catch you next time. Nicole, I really regret not saying anything. Had I known it'd be the last time I'd ever see you, of course I would have made much more of an effort.

You and your family have been on my mind for the last four days and I am in shock by the news of your passing. You had so much to live for, Rutgers next semester, and a whole happy life ahead of you. This isn't fair at all. I hope you continue to smile that gorgeous smile up there Nicole<3. You have permanently touched the hearts of all who knew you, by your grace and elegance. May you rest in peace beautiful.

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It's a shame how tradgedy makes one realize how short life really is. I pray for you Nicole, you have everything to live for. Stay strong and stay brave<3 You'll get through this.

Scum of the earth....

There are certain people in my life that I really need to leave behind, "friends," that is. When you tell your friend (with no quotes) something in confidence, you expect them not to tell anyone, right? ....Of course not; you wouldn't expect them to say anything because why on this earth would a REAL friend betray your trust like that? Oh wait a sec, a real friend wouldn't.


........and to top it all off, you say I'M the drama starter, please. YOU instigated the fight because you have nothing better to do with your time then A. talk shit. B. smoke pot. C. screw everything that walks(cause you don't know how to keep your legs shut) and D. talk more shit because you're life consists of nothing else other than pot and one night stands. The funny thing is, you're such a pathetic loser that these things actually make you happy. I, in the slightest way, feel sorry for you because you have nothing else in your life that is even remotely fulfilling. You fail out of school, you are not motivated by anything, and you are unsuccessful at most of the things that you do.

So i suggest that you stop behaving in said manner (^^^) before you have no friends left, because trust me, no one wants to go down the path you're on. But anyway, so not only are you worthless, you're untrustworthy, so what are you, besides garbage?


Anyway, I don't deserve this kind of treatment from a "friend." Time to rid myself of the garbage and find understanding and caring individuals who appreciate ME and not just themselves.

Random thoughts..

I wish you would make more of an effort in our relationship. I wish you could go back to the spontaneous person you used to be.. staying up all hours of the night talking to me. Leaving at 2 am because you didn't want to leave me. Now its like you won't go anywhere unless you're given enough notice, or 10 pm is your bed time unless you're with your friends. I miss that spontaneous and out-going part of you, I miss the little efforts you used to make that touched my heart and made me feel so incredibly special. I get that its been three years, and that you work and go to school, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying, in fact, you should try even harder when you're busy. You say that you shouldn't have to make an effort if I don't make an effort myself, but what you don't understand is that I try. I invite you over on days you normally wouldn't see me, like after work or school, but 110% of the time I don't expect you to EVER come over on said days because I'm not a part of your schedule for that particular evening. You on the other hand, never invite me over, never invite me to hang out with you and your friends, never ask me to come hang out for an hour or so after work...."I miss you"...yeah well make more of an effort to prove it. When you miss somebody you don't just say it, you go out of your way and fit them into your schedule. I'm sick of hearing that you "miss me" when I've spent most of this summer without you. Another thing I despise when I hang out with you is that it is always what I want to do, you don't make any effort to try and figure out plans, you're just along for the ride.

But anyway, long story short, you make no effort. Period. I miss the you I met 3 years ago. Sigh.

Disappointed

I really thought you were trying to make an effort to change. To help our relationship and to make us happier. I see today, that all you care about is yourself. You could care less about my happiness. You can easily watch me cry and sulk, and sometimes I think you find happiness in seeing how badly you can hurt me. All I want to do is talk to you, and you make that impossible. And again, I really thought you were trying to make us better because you loved me and cared about my happiness...could you imagine the disappointment when I realized today that you couldn't care less? I don't think you care enough about me to possibly be capable of feeling that type of pain.

Volunteering

So I'm trying to find a part time job volunteering in a local animal shelter or hospital. I feel like I have so much free time in the mornings before work that I can donate some of that free time to a greater cause. I think this is a good opportunity for me to meet new people and do something that I believe will be a truly fulfilling experience. Old bridge animal shelter is close to home, so I hope within the next few weeks or so I can fill out a volunteer application and start working.